Shame No More
Someone once said, “Guilt is when you feel like you’ve done
something wrong. Shame is when you believe you are something wrong.”
That definition says it well. As Survivors,
we are often filled with feelings of shame and guilt.
I prayed for a woman once who couldn’t escape the feelings of
shame. She approached me with her head hanging down as she whispered in my ear,
“I’m cursed with shame.”
She barely found a way to get the words out, “I’m a victim of
incest. My mother scolds me and tells me I should be ashamed of myself. Doesn’t
she know? Can’t she see? I’m drowning
in shame, for God’s sake!”
“Shame on you, you naughty girl, or You ought to be ashamed of
yourself!”
These are strong words. We have heard them spoken by mothers,
fathers, and teachers. Tragically, as children of sexual abuse, these words echo
in our soul throughout our lifetime. Shame is
on us, and we do feel ashamed.
Shame says, “I am defective, flawed, a disgrace.” More than a fleeting moment of
unworthiness or embarrassment, shame is a pervasive and toxic soul-cancer.
Will we ever escape feelings of shame? Can we truly find a way
out?
Yes, I believe so. By putting responsibility squarely on the
shoulders of the one who abused us; by realizing we are not flawed at all, but
were marred by another who was flawed, broken. We are valuable, worthy, and
deserving of life’s best. I refuse to carry shame or live under it’s obtrusive
weight, and when I find it operating in my actions and attitudes, I simply say
these words, “Shame get off of me. I am loved, valued, and worthy. I will not
fellowship with you.”
Maybe simplistic, but saying those words out loud shift my focus
and remind me to set my thoughts on things
above.
Is shame an emotion you battle with? What helps you to shed the shame-based
mentality?
For more on Shame, see Chapter
5, The Emotional Carnage of Shame, Guilt, and Fear
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