Feeling the Pain

    I denied the thought that I could have further complications from sexual abuse saying, “I’ve dealt with it, and I’m healed. There’s nothing more to talk about.” I was terrified to consider the residue of sexual abuse and how it had harmed me.

    I’m not alone. Many survivors tend to minimize or dismiss the impact of their abuse by reasoning, “Oh it’s in the past. It’s no big deal.” Others deny that the sexual abuse took place at all. The pain is too deep and overwhelming to face. When the slightest reminder of abuse triggers a woman, she’s often stricken with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. These disturbing feelings are usually traumatic enough to send her back into denial.

    If a survivor takes the “it’s-no-big-deal” approach to her abuse or ignores it altogether, her denial can mean she’s still emotionally frozen and disconnected from her pain. She’s not ready to accept the idea of exploring how the sexual exploitation may have affected her, and in truth, is still affecting her.

You may share the same fear that many survivors harbor. If I allow myself to feel, re-live, or experience this pain, I will completely unravel and become incapable of handling life.

    Although the statement above feels true at times, coming out of denial and feeling the pain of abuse is healthy and a powerful step toward healing. You may unravel emotionally, even physically experience some symptoms as you thaw, but recovery is on the side, and you are closer to “owning your life” instead of being held hostage by the trauma of the past.

 It’s worth the journey.

Have you ever experienced denial of your past sexual abuse? Tell me about it.

Clogs  

            Today the water-softener repairman came to the house.  He told me all our filters are clogged. We have an iron build-up, and rust and iron are spitting into the water faucets. No wonder my laundry is so dull; it now makes perfect sense—the pure flow of water is obstructed.  As a result, iron-colored water is infiltrating my wash and ruining my clothes. I’m not just being a domestic dropout, there’s a reason for my red-tinted tee-shirts.

            It’s kind of like that after abuse. Sometimes our filters are clogged. Abuse has impaired the pure flow of reasoning, and it clogs, even colors our thoughts. Everyone has trouble now and then seeing the truth clearly, but we survivors are filled with distortions and false-beliefs. The one who said he was trustworthy became an assailant. Words that convinced us to build trust, crashed down around us in broken rubble.

         The acute psychological wound from sexual assault distorts thought-filters. If left unchecked, distortions can take over where abuse left off—assaulting the mind.  Lies and mis-beliefs will tint how we see the world, and devastate our lives. But like my clogged filters in the water-softener, there’s a reason we survivors struggle in our thoughts. Getting to the source of the problem can help unclog those filters and allow truth to flow into our minds and hearts. The infiltration of negative, distorted thoughts can be caught, instead of coloring your perspective. 

 Have you ever detected a clog in your mental- filter?

Shame No More

Someone once said, “Guilt is when you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Shame is when you believe you are something wrong.”

That definition says it well. As Survivors, we are often filled with feelings of shame and guilt.

I prayed for a woman once who couldn’t escape the feelings of shame. She approached me with her head hanging down as she whispered in my ear, “I’m cursed with shame.”

She barely found a way to get the words out, “I’m a victim of incest. My mother scolds me and tells me I should be ashamed of myself. Doesn’t she know? Can’t she see? I’m drowning in shame, for God’s sake!”

“Shame on you, you naughty girl, or You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

These are strong words. We have heard them spoken by mothers, fathers, and teachers. Tragically, as children of sexual abuse, these words echo in our soul throughout our lifetime. Shame is on us, and we do feel ashamed.

Shame says, “I am defective, flawed, a disgrace.” More than a fleeting moment of unworthiness or embarrassment, shame is a pervasive and toxic soul-cancer.

Will we ever escape feelings of shame? Can we truly find a way out?

Yes, I believe so. By putting responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the one who abused us; by realizing we are not flawed at all, but were marred by another who was flawed, broken. We are valuable, worthy, and deserving of life’s best. I refuse to carry shame or live under it’s obtrusive weight, and when I find it operating in my actions and attitudes, I simply say these words, “Shame get off of me. I am loved, valued, and worthy. I will not fellowship with you.”

Maybe simplistic, but saying those words out loud shift my focus and remind me to set my thoughts on things above.

Is shame an emotion you battle with?  What helps you to shed the shame-based mentality?

For more on Shame, see Chapter 5, The Emotional Carnage of Shame, Guilt, and Fear