Forgiving God, Forgiving Myself  Pt. 2

Our other difficulty in forgiveness is forgiving ourselves. 

I easily forgave my father, but I was hard as steel on myself. I gave myself no mercy or compassion. Eventually I realized my lack of self-compassion was unforgiveness. I wasn’t letting myself free from my own judgments about me.

A child who is abused has committed no wrong, and she’s never to blame. Logically we understand that, but deep inside we can be captive of our own self-judgments. We’re not consciously aware of it, but we are holding ourselves responsible for the sexual assault against us. We did nothing wrong, but we feel culpable.

Why didn’t I stop it?

I should have told someone. Maybe then it would have stopped.

That’s what I get for being a stupid, gullible kid.

It’s my fault for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Maybe I asked for it. After all the attention felt good.

The list of lies is endless, and we can stay angry at ourselves for a long time. But we need to go all the way with forgiveness--we need to release ourselves from blame and unrealistic expectations and remind ourselves that a child is never to blame for their abuse.

Forgiveness of ourselves is an important step toward recovery. Forgiveness allows us to have closure from the past because we use our emotional energy different. Instead of remembering with resentment the horrific past, we focus on a bright and joyful future.  The beauty of forgiveness indeed sets a prisoner free—me.

 How about you? Have you forgiven yourself?

Forgiving God, Forgiving Myself  Pt. 1

Dawn Scott Jones 

The two beings we most often forget to forgive after childhood abuse are God and ourselves. But the truth is, we don’t actually forget.

We’re typically unaware that we harbor resentment toward ourselves and God. We don’t want to admit we’re resentful. Yet many of us are angry with ourselves and God.

      Very angry.

            It may sound sacrilegious to think we must forgive God. But forgiving God doesn’t mean he did something wrong. Of course he didn’t. It’s just that survivors have an expectation of how a “loving God” should have responded to our abuse. When our expectations—and we all have them whether we realize them or not—weren’t met, we became angry, hurt, and bitter. We often distance ourselves from God or conclude that he is neither fair nor trustworthy.

Many of us have our share of unending, agonizing, questions:

“Where was God when I was molested? “Why didn’t he stop it?”

We wonder why God would allow abuse at all.  After all, He is sovereign. He could have stopped it.

         No pat, universal answer can soothe every wounded heart, although counselors and pastors alike have tried.

           Perhaps you’ve also searched for a comforting answer to that perplexing question, looking for peace. Well, before we can settle our disappointment with God, it seems to me we all have to find an answer to this question; “Where were you when I was being abused?” Forgiving God can happen as we satisfy that “nagging unknown”.

          As I sought to understand God’s attitude and response to my abuse, I found comfort in believing God was there with me, feeling my sorrow, grieving my pain, just as he was with his own Son during his death on the cross. And just as Jesus had a resurrection, I too would rise up from this pain and be revived, remade, and restored, to live a free and full life.

           I also understood that if God stopped every single person from committing horrific acts of violence against the innocent, we would live in a perfect, flawless world. Why then, would we need a Savior? Jesus would have died in vain.

          But because God is love—he doesn’t just have love, he is love—His love includes giving us a free will. Sadly, many use their freedom to hurt others.

           The point is, many of us are angry at God. 

So why not make peace with Him?

"Lord God, I confess I have been angry. I wanted a God who would deliver me from pain, not through pain. I wanted you to rescue me out of harms way, not rescue me after harm had it's way. Still, I need you in my life Lord, you alone can heal. So today, I lay down my broken expectations and instead choose to trust you and your way. I look to your will for my life. I choose to believe that you give beauty for ashes, and that you will make something beautiful from this mess. You will use my life God... not in spite of what has happened, but BECAUSE of what has happened. Amen."

Have you harbored anger towards God? Tell me about it...

 Feeling the Pain    Part Two

I didn’t understand the severe impact sexual abuse had on me.  For years I wasn’t able to grasp the depth of my pain. I knew something was wrong, yet I rejected the possibility that it was connected to my childhood sexual abuse.   I criticized myself and minimized my experience.

 Stop overreacting; you’ve only suffered a minor offense. It’s no big deal.

You’re weak and incapable of shrugging off a bad experience. Move on.

But I couldn’t move on.  More guilt. If the solution was that easy, what was wrong with me?

Was I too weak? Defective?

 Why couldn’t I forget my abuse?

I must have asked myself those questions hundreds of times. I wanted to bury the past or at least ignore it, but it wouldn’t go away. I was stuck.

Today I know I wasn’t weak. Struggling with the effects of sexual abuse is expected and the rule, not the exception. My past and all its pain were knocking on the door of the emotional closet I’d stuffed them into, and those emotions wanted out.  

I understood that opening the door and acknowledging the past were the only way to move on, but I couldn’t do it. Facing the raw truth of sexual abuse terrified me. Instead, I suppressed my pain and remained emotionally frozen.

As long as I was strong and in control, everything seemed okay.  But when I opened the door of my past sexual abuse, I felt overwhelmed; afraid of my vulnerability and emotional weakness.   

I have to feel this—I need to heal.

It took me months to form those words in my thoughts and even longer to say them aloud. But once I accepted that I needed to feel if I wanted to heal, I repeated the words to myself out loud.

I needed to feel, to grieve my unresolved sorrow, and find peace with my past.

I’m not alone.

Sexual abuse is a wounding invasion—a molestation of mind and soul. When it happens, (and it happens all too often) it shatters our emotions, our trust, and our ability to trust. It destroys feelings of security.  We are stripped of our boundaries. We feel powerless, vulnerable, and fearful. We’ve been intimidated—our self-confidence, decimated.

 Survivors have described other struggles:

      •     Shame and guilt

      •     A sense of worthlessness and damaged self-esteem

      •     Fear, anxiety, and panic attacks

      •     Sleep disturbances

·       Eating disorders

      •     Impaired memory and flashbacks

      •     Fear of trust and intimacy

      •     Depression and suicidal thoughts

Yes, sexual assault cuts deeply.  To be whole we must be honest about the psychological imprint abuse leaves on us as survivors. Everyone’s experience is different, but no matter what form of sexual abuse we encountered, it left its mark.  

  For me, being honest about my abuse meant accepting the fact that it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t bad.  I worked at feeling compassion toward myself by thinking kind and sympathetic thoughts that replaced the voice of my ever-present, inner-critic with the disappointed, scolding tone.

I still teetered on the side of intolerance when my emerging, tender spirit  showed signs of breaking through, but  that’s  when I mustered the words to remind myself,

Sexual abuse is a big deal, I will acknowledge that what was done against me was horrifically wrong.

Self-compassion is still a challenge for me. It’s easy to slip back into my default system and become harsh and demanding on myself. I have to remember I’m not bad for having needs, and I’m not flawed for wanting love.

Do you have a story too?  Sexual abuse, regardless of its nature, has left a horrific impact on you. It’s scarred your heart.

  I encourage you to be honest about the pain of your sexual abuse and recognize and feel the damage that was done to you.  Healing is possible, and you can explore the depths of your wounds and begin recovery.

How has abuse affected you? Please share.

Feeling the Pain

    I denied the thought that I could have further complications from sexual abuse saying, “I’ve dealt with it, and I’m healed. There’s nothing more to talk about.” I was terrified to consider the residue of sexual abuse and how it had harmed me.

    I’m not alone. Many survivors tend to minimize or dismiss the impact of their abuse by reasoning, “Oh it’s in the past. It’s no big deal.” Others deny that the sexual abuse took place at all. The pain is too deep and overwhelming to face. When the slightest reminder of abuse triggers a woman, she’s often stricken with anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. These disturbing feelings are usually traumatic enough to send her back into denial.

    If a survivor takes the “it’s-no-big-deal” approach to her abuse or ignores it altogether, her denial can mean she’s still emotionally frozen and disconnected from her pain. She’s not ready to accept the idea of exploring how the sexual exploitation may have affected her, and in truth, is still affecting her.

You may share the same fear that many survivors harbor. If I allow myself to feel, re-live, or experience this pain, I will completely unravel and become incapable of handling life.

    Although the statement above feels true at times, coming out of denial and feeling the pain of abuse is healthy and a powerful step toward healing. You may unravel emotionally, even physically experience some symptoms as you thaw, but recovery is on the side, and you are closer to “owning your life” instead of being held hostage by the trauma of the past.

 It’s worth the journey.

Have you ever experienced denial of your past sexual abuse? Tell me about it.

Clogs  

            Today the water-softener repairman came to the house.  He told me all our filters are clogged. We have an iron build-up, and rust and iron are spitting into the water faucets. No wonder my laundry is so dull; it now makes perfect sense—the pure flow of water is obstructed.  As a result, iron-colored water is infiltrating my wash and ruining my clothes. I’m not just being a domestic dropout, there’s a reason for my red-tinted tee-shirts.

            It’s kind of like that after abuse. Sometimes our filters are clogged. Abuse has impaired the pure flow of reasoning, and it clogs, even colors our thoughts. Everyone has trouble now and then seeing the truth clearly, but we survivors are filled with distortions and false-beliefs. The one who said he was trustworthy became an assailant. Words that convinced us to build trust, crashed down around us in broken rubble.

         The acute psychological wound from sexual assault distorts thought-filters. If left unchecked, distortions can take over where abuse left off—assaulting the mind.  Lies and mis-beliefs will tint how we see the world, and devastate our lives. But like my clogged filters in the water-softener, there’s a reason we survivors struggle in our thoughts. Getting to the source of the problem can help unclog those filters and allow truth to flow into our minds and hearts. The infiltration of negative, distorted thoughts can be caught, instead of coloring your perspective. 

 Have you ever detected a clog in your mental- filter?

Shame No More

Someone once said, “Guilt is when you feel like you’ve done something wrong. Shame is when you believe you are something wrong.”

That definition says it well. As Survivors, we are often filled with feelings of shame and guilt.

I prayed for a woman once who couldn’t escape the feelings of shame. She approached me with her head hanging down as she whispered in my ear, “I’m cursed with shame.”

She barely found a way to get the words out, “I’m a victim of incest. My mother scolds me and tells me I should be ashamed of myself. Doesn’t she know? Can’t she see? I’m drowning in shame, for God’s sake!”

“Shame on you, you naughty girl, or You ought to be ashamed of yourself!”

These are strong words. We have heard them spoken by mothers, fathers, and teachers. Tragically, as children of sexual abuse, these words echo in our soul throughout our lifetime. Shame is on us, and we do feel ashamed.

Shame says, “I am defective, flawed, a disgrace.” More than a fleeting moment of unworthiness or embarrassment, shame is a pervasive and toxic soul-cancer.

Will we ever escape feelings of shame? Can we truly find a way out?

Yes, I believe so. By putting responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the one who abused us; by realizing we are not flawed at all, but were marred by another who was flawed, broken. We are valuable, worthy, and deserving of life’s best. I refuse to carry shame or live under it’s obtrusive weight, and when I find it operating in my actions and attitudes, I simply say these words, “Shame get off of me. I am loved, valued, and worthy. I will not fellowship with you.”

Maybe simplistic, but saying those words out loud shift my focus and remind me to set my thoughts on things above.

Is shame an emotion you battle with?  What helps you to shed the shame-based mentality?

For more on Shame, see Chapter 5, The Emotional Carnage of Shame, Guilt, and Fear

I Choose

Something terrible happened to me, to us. I’ve learned it wasn’t my fault. The shame I carried wasn’t mine to bear. Yet, shame and pain shaped my life.

But I don’t want to be defined in this life by what has happened to me—rather, I’d like to be defined by what I choose to do with what has happened to me. I choose to be whole, empowered, free. I choose to be all that God designs for me to be.

I was ripped off as a child from a healthy, innocent childhood, but I don’t want my future to be stolen as well. I believe I can heal.

To take the healing journey means I continue to open my heart to God’s light and love. When He turns the light on, revealing an area in my life that needs more restoration, I can choose to lower my defense shield and look at it. Shields protected us when we were children, but as an adult, they get in the way and keep us from experiencing the fullness of life. Instead of seeking false refuge behind my self-made protection—I choose to be empowered by healing.

Are you on the healing journey?

 What shields of false protection do you carry?

The long awaited book is about to be released. However, you can pre-order your copy now from Amazon.com



The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reports that 80 percent of childhood abuse victims later suffer from at least one abuse-induced psychological disorder. It's proven that the effects of childhood abuse follow women into adulthood. Yet few men are prepared to deal with those effects, even when their own wife is the one who is suffering. And their wife's suffering becomes their own suffering as their needs aren't being met by a wife who is powerless to control her inner turmoil.

Author, pastor, and survivor Dawn Scott Jones candidly shares her own abuse experience to help husbands understand the varied emotions, fears, distorted thoughts, and triggers that hold their wives captive. In practical and accessible language, Jones explains the stages of the healing journey (processing denial, asking for help, grieving, expressing anger, learning to forgive, and finding resolution). Building on that knowledge, Jones then moves to an honest discussion of what husbands can do to help. Whether it's creating a healing environment, understanding the need for control, building trust, or even just praying for healing, a husband plays an active role in helping his wife survive and thrive despite her past abuse.

Offering hope for a healthy marriage relationship, When a Woman You Love Was Abused answers the questions men have and offers the advice they need to help their wives finally find peace.

About the Author

Dawn Scott Jones is a survivor who has been sharing her testimony for more than twenty years. Her past challenges have deepened and enriched her ministry, enabling her to truly understand and relate to what others are going through. Dawn is an ordained minister with the Assemblies of God and has served in a variety of leadership and ministry roles. A national speaker, consultant, and the creator of numerous audio teaching products, Dawn lives in Michigan.