Women Shattering the Silence

Forgiving God, Forgiving Myself  Pt. 1

Dawn Scott Jones 

The two beings we most often forget to forgive after childhood abuse are God and ourselves. But the truth is, we don’t actually forget.

We’re typically unaware that we harbor resentment toward ourselves and God. We don’t want to admit we’re resentful. Yet many of us are angry with ourselves and God.

      Very angry.

            It may sound sacrilegious to think we must forgive God. But forgiving God doesn’t mean he did something wrong. Of course he didn’t. It’s just that survivors have an expectation of how a “loving God” should have responded to our abuse. When our expectations—and we all have them whether we realize them or not—weren’t met, we became angry, hurt, and bitter. We often distance ourselves from God or conclude that he is neither fair nor trustworthy.

Many of us have our share of unending, agonizing, questions:

“Where was God when I was molested? “Why didn’t he stop it?”

We wonder why God would allow abuse at all.  After all, He is sovereign. He could have stopped it.

         No pat, universal answer can soothe every wounded heart, although counselors and pastors alike have tried.

           Perhaps you’ve also searched for a comforting answer to that perplexing question, looking for peace. Well, before we can settle our disappointment with God, it seems to me we all have to find an answer to this question; “Where were you when I was being abused?” Forgiving God can happen as we satisfy that “nagging unknown”.

          As I sought to understand God’s attitude and response to my abuse, I found comfort in believing God was there with me, feeling my sorrow, grieving my pain, just as he was with his own Son during his death on the cross. And just as Jesus had a resurrection, I too would rise up from this pain and be revived, remade, and restored, to live a free and full life.

           I also understood that if God stopped every single person from committing horrific acts of violence against the innocent, we would live in a perfect, flawless world. Why then, would we need a Savior? Jesus would have died in vain.

          But because God is love—he doesn’t just have love, he is love—His love includes giving us a free will. Sadly, many use their freedom to hurt others.

           The point is, many of us are angry at God. 

So why not make peace with Him?

"Lord God, I confess I have been angry. I wanted a God who would deliver me from pain, not through pain. I wanted you to rescue me out of harms way, not rescue me after harm had it's way. Still, I need you in my life Lord, you alone can heal. So today, I lay down my broken expectations and instead choose to trust you and your way. I look to your will for my life. I choose to believe that you give beauty for ashes, and that you will make something beautiful from this mess. You will use my life God... not in spite of what has happened, but BECAUSE of what has happened. Amen."

Have you harbored anger towards God? Tell me about it...